Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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