meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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