Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
