You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
