And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
