see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
