dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
