remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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