I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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