i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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