i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
