i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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