Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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