I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
