her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Vodka?
Forever.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
