I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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