dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
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Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
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I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My glasses were in the garbage this morning