Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
operation harelip BJ is a go
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
