Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
