his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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