She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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