alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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