I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I am naked and annoyed.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
