i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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