she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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