I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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