I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
ttyl tear gas
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
