i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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