I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
