I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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