dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
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