Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
