How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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