I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
