My friends, they love my intelligence
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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