why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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