I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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