Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
