Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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