I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.â€
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