this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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