I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
