You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
