Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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