I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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