I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
