Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Say something about gay babies.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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