he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
