I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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