I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My penis needs a shock collar
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
