Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
