If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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