I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
